


hearts won't break

by theblondedictionary



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, break ups, ends on a hopeful note or whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 10:03:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10488297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theblondedictionary/pseuds/theblondedictionary
Summary: The boy he loved more than anything in this world wasn’t trying leave, right?





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi it's physically impossible for me to write anything with a sad ending because then it makes me sad. I wrote all of this today and edited it myself I'm absolutely sure there are tense errors i'm sorry i'm just posting this before i regret it.
> 
> I wrote this basically all in one go today to get my relationship sads out. Enjoy!

He felt small, despite his naturally already tiny frame he felt himself trying whatever he could possibly try to make himself as insignificant as possible. 

That’s how he felt, anyway. 

This couldn’t be happening. He wanted to fall into the ground, sink into the ocean until he was swallowed whole and forgotten. He wanted to pray. God, he wanted to pray so hard that this wasn’t happening. The boy he loved more than anything in this world wasn’t trying leave, right? 

“Please say something.” The voice broke him out of his train of thought and his eyes snaps up to the beautiful boy in front of him. He feels like he’s about to be punched in the gut, he waits for it. The pain in his ribs, the taste of blood on his tongue. He waits to wake up and for this to be dream. 

He wants to wake up in the boy’s arms. He wants to wake up and for everything to feel right again, he wants this pit in his stomach to be gone and for his heart to not feel so goddamn broken every time he had to look the boy in the face. 

Ah, to be in love. Or to have been in love. 

Changkyun wasn’t sure anymore. 

“I’m...I’ve said everything I want to say, now you need to say something.” Kihyun murmurs, his eyes dipping to the ground in what looks like shame almost. Did he feel bad for what he was doing? Did he at least recognize he was ripping Changkyun’s heart out of his chest? Changkyun hoped he did. He hoped he knew and he hoped he felt awful for every word he just said. 

“I dunno what you want me to say? Like what were you expecting Kihyunnie?” The nickname tastes sour on his tongue and he saw Kihyun immediately recoil at it. Changkyun almost laughs at how one nickname could make Kihyun flinch like that. 

If only Kihyun could hear every tumultuous thought going through his head right now. He wants to scream. To yell. To curse. He wants to beg and cry and plead for Kihyun not to do this. Through all of those impulses, however. There was one singular, glowing question that he couldn’t shake and for whatever self deprecating reason, he has to know. 

“Why now?” He wasn’t even sure that he says the words aloud because Kihyun didn’t react at first, he continues staring at his hands, his fingers fumbling with the sleeves of his hoodie.

Slowly, Kihyun brings his shoulders up into a shrug. “I...I’ve been thinking about it for a while.” 

Changkyun feels like he’s going to throw up. 

His eyes finally betray him and he feels his eyes pricking and burning with tears. He doesn’t trust himself to speak now, knowing that if he does, he’ll lose his composure for good. Kihyun doesn’t look up to meet Changkyun’s eyes, thank goodness. Changkyun takes it as a little blessing because he isn’t sure what he would do if Kihyun looked at him right that moment and saw him on the verge of tears. 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he takes a small, calming breath. 

“What do you mean? This is all news to me? Why didn’t you say something sooner I could’ve…” Changkyun trails off, he knows there’s nothing he could have done. There’s something in Kihyun’s voice, in his demeanor, he’s been wanting to let this go for a long time. 

“I just want you to be happy, Kyun.” He frowns, his eyes darting around their surroundings. Changkyun’s apartment. Changkyun’s bed. Everywhere but Changkyun himself. 

“I was happy with you, hyung.” Saying the words in the past tense made Changkyun’s chest hurt even more as he crossed his arms over his chest protectively, as if that would shield him from more pain. 

“Are you though? I...I’m not so sure and I don’t want to be the reason you’re miserable three, five, seven years down the road.” Kihyun finally looks up at Changkyun and almost immediately Changkyun can feel his heart take another blow. His eyes are red, he clearly hasn’t been sleeping well, how had Changkyun missed that? Perhaps he had been crying too? Changkyun wanted to reach out to him, comfort him any way he knew how but he stopped himself. Why would he comfort him? What would he accomplish from that other than more heartbreak? Changkyun kept his arms securely locked across his chest. 

“Why are you worrying about something happening so far down the road? Why can’t you just look at what’s going on right now?” Changkyun complains, his lower lip jutting out into a pout in frustration. This isn’t a new thing with Kihyun. He’s always been so invested in the ‘what-ifs’ planning his life so far in advance he was missing it in the current moment. What’s right in front of him is Changkyun on the verge of tears. All because Kihyun is invested in what  _ might _ happen.

“I just don’t want you to hate me.” Kihyun murmurs quietly, a pang of hurt going through Changkyun’s chest, yet again. 

“And you think that this is the way to make me not hate you? By trying to break up with me in my own apartment out of nowhere?” He asks, questioning the older man’s logic. This isn’t the first time Changkyun has hear this argument from Kihyun before and he never thought it would escalate to this. He never thought that this would be a reality, a fever dream when his anxiety is bubbling up in his throat, maybe. But never like this. Not now. 

Changkyun shakes his head and finally stretches himself out, getting up from his seat on the bed and paces slowly, trying to make sense out of everything. 

“So you’re serious about this?” Changkyun asks when Kihyun doesn’t reply, his voice quiet and sounding all too fragile, more so than he’d like. 

“Yes.” Kihyun breathed, even though his voice wavered in such a way that made Changkyun believe that he was lying. 

“Why are you lying? Who are you to decide what’s better for me than me? I choose you. I chose you. I wanted to continue to chose you but you’re dumping me!” Changkyun can feel the anger bubbling up in his throat now, replacing the crushing sadness that had enveloped his heart earlier.  

Kihyun looks more shocked than anything else at this and looks up, running a hand through his hair and breathes out exasperatedly. 

“I dunno Changkyun. I just. I’m… I don’t…” 

“You’re afraid, admit it.” Changkyun snaps, staring Kihyun down who looks so much smaller all of a sudden and Changkyun wants to scream. 

“I’m not!” He defends, his eyebrows pulling together in frustration. 

“Yes, you are, you’re trying to rationalize breaking up with me over something that might not happen. It’s bullshit. If you wanna just leave me, just say that!” Changkyun bites, his voice sharp with venom. Kihyun’s eyes widen in shock and Changkyun would be proud of himself if he didn’t feel so angry and awful right now. 

“I don’t.” 

The words crashed over Changkyun with a wave of hurt and relief. His emotions pulling him in every which way. What does this even mean? He couldn’t make sense of the man in front of him and he was making it hard to focus on anything else other than the fact that his eyes were glistening and he was trying to keep Changkyun from noticing. 

“Then why the fuck are you trying so damn hard to push me away then?” Changkyun asks finally, his arms falling to his side in defeat as he falls face first into his bed. 

“You’re gonna be the death of me Yoo Kihyun!” He yells, letting out the pent up frustration in his chest, letting it go and letting it lets loose everything else he’s been feeling. 

Before he can stop it, his eyes are wet and he’s definitely staining his pillow-case with tears. 

“Wait, are you crying? Please don’t cry.” Changkyun can feel Kihyun move next to him laying next to him but his movements feel unsure, he’s probably wondering if he can touch Changkyun or not. Changkyun ignores him, ignores his tears, he wants to yell some more. He also wants to just be held and pretend this whole thing never happened. 

Changkyun wants an answer. A real answer. He can’t handle this back and forth bullshit, it’s driving him up the wall. 

“You’re not really leaving are you?” Changkyun asks, his voice muffled by the pillow. 

Kihyun tenses. 

Changkyun prepares for the worse case scenario and his heart sinks into his stomach. 

“Do you want me to?” 

“No you idiot, stop trying to break up with me please.” His voice breaks in the pillow as he dissolves into laughter mixed with his chest still hiccuping in the occasional sob. The sensation only make Changkyun want to laugh more as he curls further into himself and sniffles quietly, attempting to regain his composure.  

Changkyun feels Kihyun’s arms around him pulling his tiny, sob-wracked body against his. Kihyun’s hands brush against his hair soothingly while Changkyun’s calms down, Kihyun is sniffling too and Changkyun wonders when he was crying. Maybe he had finally broken down while he wasn’t looking? Changkyun wasn’t sure. 

“I’m so sorry, Kyunnie. I’m so, so sorry.” Kihyun murmurs in Changkyun’s ear and he rolls his eyes. Leave it to Kihyun to try to break up with him over something so nonsensical and then dissolve into tears and apologies like this. His chest still aches but he can’t help but bask in the familiarity and comfort of being close to Kihyun, their bodies pressed up against one another. 

They had a long way to go, and in a lot of respects they both had parts of themselves that were broken. Changkyun wasn’t in any rush to fix himself, nor was he in any rush to make Kihyun fix himself, he was willing to go slow. He knew what Kihyun meant to him and he knew what he meant to Kihyun. 

In his own, weird Kihyun-specific way, this was Kihyun trying to take care of Changkyun. This was one of those learning curves where Changkyun had to remember that Kihyun needed to know that he didn’t need to try to bolt for the hills every time he felt afraid of the future, or afraid of fucking Changkyun up beyond fixing. 

Changkyun turned slightly, facing Kihyun. 

“I love you. Please don’t try to break up with me again unless you actually mean it. I’m tiny and fragile. Or whatever.” Changkyun muttered, burying his face into the crook of Kihyun’s neck. 

Changkyun never understood Kihyun’s pessimism sometimes. Laying there, with his face pressed against his neck, Changkyun could build a home. He could smell his future and could taste his fate. He didn’t understand how Kihyun couldn’t do the same. Then again, maybe he did and just hadn’t realized it yet. Changkyun pressed a soft kiss against the flesh of Kihyun’s neck and pulled the man tighter. 

“I love you too. And I promise.” Kihyun breathed back. Changkyun could hear the ghost of a smile in his voice and the weight in his gut had lifted. Kihyun has a listlessness in his voice with an edge of relief to it that Changkyun hadn’t heard in far too long. It gave him hope for the future and calmed his frazzled nerves.

His heart didn’t hurt, his chest didn’t ache. Changkyun held Kihyun close and hoped maybe, just maybe, they had a shot. 

**Author's Note:**

> anywaaaaaay icb this is the first mx thing i'm posting since I have like 5 WIPs in my google docs rn i'm sorry! also i have no idea why I was picking on changki omg i love them so much I'm sorry, I promise I'll write something fluffy to make up for this later idk. 
> 
>  
> 
> [ here's my twitter](%E2%80%9Dtwitter.com/floralchangkyun%E2%80%9D) if you would like to yell with/at me! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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